The Fourth Trimester
“I mean, I knew being a mom was going to be hard but I just didn’t know it would be this hard!” a friend of mine abruptly told me, in the heat of a frazzled moment. She used the kind of honesty that women give each other when the men and the children are out of earshot. “I wasn’t prepared to have to have all the answers the second I became a mom” her tone changes to sadness. That last part is the kicker, it implies that she has begun the shift. I can see it, now that I have been a mother for the past 9 years. The betrayal in her voice showed a bit. What she is really saying is, I wasn't prepared for everything in my world to change so drastically when she became a mother just a short few months ago. She continued on, “I just feel that as women, we need to be more honest with each other about that!” Her world has been flipped upside down, and suddenly she feels left out of activities with friends and family who are unsure if they should still include her now that she has a small baby. She is navigating her new daily life as a mom with a new baby, while simultaneously trying to figure out how to integrate her old life into the new, and that looks different. In this moment I can feel her pain, it is so real it's visible, although she tries to hide it, I know because I too, have felt it. That moment when the new reality sets in, and as much as you wanted it, love it and pour your whole heart and soul into it, the change can send that little voice inside of your already very overstimulated brain into a crash out. Wait, am I ready for this? Do I even know what I’m doing? Why don’t I feel that magical bond, yet? Is there something wrong with me for not loving this new me? Why does it seem like every other mother has it together and I am struggling to do everything? The self doubt, the lack of experience, the exhaustion, the loss of self is all so jarring, right off the bat but, there is no choice but to be brave to continue to choose to step forward into motherhood.
If you can relate, well mama, pull up a chair, cause this one is for you! This one is for the woman with the pure intentions and good hearts that felt blindsided by the transition into becoming a mother. It is impossible to be the same person from pre to post motherhood and although the transition can be easier for some, motherhood must first break you so that then the rebuild can begin.
I remember being a very new mother of twins when my boys were infants. I was actually scared to be alone with them because it was so difficult. The time of day between when my husband would leave for work (about 5-6am) and when my own mother would arrive to help me put the boys down for a nap (9-10am) was the time I was particularly terrified of. The overnights with twin infants were unpredictable at best, often leaving both my husband and myself more exhausted than when the night began. Depending on the morning, they could be sleeping peacefully for hours, or it could be a total loss. The worst case scenario happened frequently, where they were both crying, hungry and fussing while I scrambled like an octopus to feed, change and soothe these tiny dependents that are barely a few months old and had no control over any of their faculties. I was nursing both boys during this time (which was a feat in itself!) but Wyatt suffered from reflux from very early and his feedings were especially complex. He had a special formula that we had to give him, he had to be fed and burped slowly, with breaks so that he wouldn’t immediately vomit everything he had just consumed. He had to sleep sitting up in a propped position that required checking on him often. It wasn’t a comfortable thing for him, it left him inconsolable at times. When you have two infants the squeaky wheel gets the oil, so unfortunately most mornings one baby dominated the attention. I vividly remember one morning the boys were actually sleeping and I was so scared to wake them I just laid on my back in bed staring at the ceiling for over an hour not hardly moving or breathing so as to not disturb the bassinettes on either side of the bed. Here I think is when it hit me. I didn’t picture it this way. While I was pregnant and imagining my new reality, hiding from my children wasn't a reality that I prepared for. Although, they did look so cute in all those matching outfits that I worried so much about before they were born - Ha!
Another memory popped into my head, as she started to explain that she thinks she will only have one baby because of how difficult the reality of it is, and that she never thought she would be any good at it anyhow. Lies. She is a fantastic mom already. She continues saying she doesn’t think it is a lifestyle that will fulfill her heart, fully. She has other plans for her life than to be just a mother. She says it almost defensively, as if she thought I might think she is a terrible person for not wanting more children. I think she may be trying to convince herself though, because she isn’t convincing me.
At this moment I hear her, she needs to be heard and validated. It’s easy to give her because I have lived those feelings, it is hard! She isn’t wrong. However, what she doesn’t embody yet is the knowledge of what it is like after you and baby adjust. After the dust settles and your baby starts to thrive and interact more, and you fall more in love with them then you have ever been with any other human on earth, ever. When they fall down and then get up and look to you for hugs and reassurance, when they try to help you do things, when they start to do things independently - It's beautiful. It is still hard though. She isn’t there yet, but she will see in time. She doesn’t need to hear that right now though because right now she only knows survival. We don’t judge, and we don’t let her feel alone, in my opinion it is our job as women to create a safe enough space for our fellow ladies to honestly express themselves and then offer them support and uplift them during this transitional time in life.
Now, this memory isn’t easy to talk about because although I didn’t realize it at the time, I think I was smack dab in the middle of postpartum depression. Although, had anyone asked me, I would have said I was fine, and believed that to be 100% true. Looking back at some of those very early months, it's almost uncomfortable how not okay I was, survival can be ugly sometimes.
It was a particularly hard day with my boys, they were fussy, it was nap time. My mother had one baby, I had the other. We were shushing them and rocking them to sleep. Hers went to sleep, mine would not. Every time he was almost asleep he would jar himself awake or I would go to set him down and he would startle. I would have to start the long drawn out process all over again. After several times of this, I needed to pee and I was so hungry I felt faint and honestly I just did not want to take care of a baby for five freaking seconds. I set him down and walked away, eyes filled with tears. Frustrated and filled with shame, fueled by pure exhaustion and feeling like a total failure, I told my mom that I wished I hadn't become a mother at all and that it had ruined my life. I didn’t stop there; it was too hard and I wasn’t cut out for this mom stuff, I was clearly no good at it anyhow. When I dreamed about what it would be like, this just was not what I imagined, period. As quickly as the words came out I wanted to put them back. I regretted saying it, of course it was not the truth, but at that moment it was true. It felt so true that I felt broken inside for even entertaining the feeling at all. Good mothers don’t say that they don’t want to be a mom anymore or that they don’t like being a mom. I had broken mom code - we don’t say things like that out loud. Suddenly, I was accusing my mother of hiding the truth from me, she was in the interrogation chair, why had she hidden the cold hard truth about this from me? How could she let me go so blissfully un-aware for so long? This was her fault somehow, I just knew it.
That is when I realized the problem. We have somehow allowed women to think that there is something wrong with them or that they are broken if they don’t fully embrace all that comes with motherhood, but mothers are human, too. When our children are born, most of us mothers take it seriously. We prepare the baby's nursery, our bodies, our hearts, pets and everyone around us for the change. We take leave from our careers and jobs, sometimes not knowing if we will return. That alone is hard to digest. We have goals and dreams of our own, we work hard, are expected to leave it behind without complaint, and then told to be grateful for being allowed to be a stay at home mom. Another beast entirely. We have the strength and the determination built in to do the job we are meant to do, we have the grit, we do rise up. We have no choice but to do just that. It doesn’t mean we don’t falter along the way, or that it is an easy or seamless transition by any means.
Once you become a mother, your body doesn’t completely belong to you anymore for a very long time, if ever again at all. Our bodies change, they become tools to use, nutrition to give, comfort to share. Our hormones change, our hips widen, our hair thins, our hearts grow. We shed the skin of the life we lived before like a snake, and embrace the new skin, still growing in. It feels as if we should have a party and celebrate mothers at this hour during their transition. The baby shower was for her to prepare for her baby to come into the world, but now the woman needs to be celebrated for the transformation into divine motherhood, a rebirth of yourself. Instead, at times we are met with social pressures to be kind and patient and loving, giving, and above all else - selfless and humble, for all of eternity. We are met with scrutiny, often at the hands of other mothers and women, unfortunately. If you parent too hard, you win the label of helicopter mom whose child is doomed to be dependent on you for everything. When we take moments, days or weekends away there are whispers of, she is so selfish. We are allotted “breaks” when we grocery shop, shower and cook dinner. That’s enough for you, right? Because now that you're a mom, your needs and desires are on the back burner. Your time starts when everyone else’s day is done. I know many mothers that stay up into the early morning hours because it's the only time the house is quiet and they can get a moment of silence. I am guilty of it myself, still to this day. It's the only time I have to think a complete thought.
This blog's purpose isn't to complain or make excuses. The purpose is to call attention to the fact that us as women need to do better for each other. We have to stop blindsiding new moms by not preparing them for the ugly feelings that can surface within survival. We as new moms have to start asking for help when we need it. We will be and are okay, with time, with grace, with trial and error. Let's create and cultivate a culture safe enough to say that we are not okay (temporarily) and allow ourselves to admit that we miss a version of ourselves from before. I know that I need to know that girl from before still matters, too. You are not just a mom.
