A Letter To My Other Son

Everett,

My sweet boy, I am in awe of you. Your kindness, your desire for independence and especially your love for the bright beautiful colors of the rainbow. You are an amazing, strong and empathetic child; I am so lucky to call you mine. I know the past 5 years have not been easy, particularly on you. But you were the exact thing we needed in our special little family. I wish I could explain it all to you right now, but you are still so young. It would (understandably) be so hard to comprehend.  I’m not even sure how I would explain it to you, to tell you that your brother is autistic. That we did the best we could to make your life normal and beautiful. That your dad and I agonized over the fact that you could come out of this damaged. I don’t know how you couldn’t, honestly. I have a feeling that as you get older you may have some resentment. You may feel that we abandoned your needs for your brothers and that we treated you differently.  That you were held to higher expectations than he was.  I worry you felt invisible at times, learning all too young what compromise and sacrifice means. Because his sound sensitivities are always changing, you were constantly asked to adapt to what Wyatt needed in that moment.  Because, when Wyatt was at therapy, you were in the waiting room of his therapies.  When Wyatt struggled to go to parks, pools, and crowded places, you didn’t get to go either.  

You became the big brother, to your twin. I think you may actually believe that you are his older brother. In many ways that is the case.  For that I am sorry, so, so sorry, that you were assigned a role you shouldn’t have been asked to play. The choices we had were not many, and not great. We struggled with how to support both of you, but we did the best we could to give you a childhood that was free from worry.  Your Grandma and Papa have been so amazing over the years, and since the day you were born, to be honest.  They would often watch you to take some of the burden from you, and give you all the love and attention you needed and deserved.  They took you on some wonderful adventures, but their back yard was one of your favorites.  It’s a beautiful yard, filled with secret paths, flowers and trees.  A yard that you grew a garden in, with green beans, tomatoes and peppers.  You have always shared a love for nature, my tiny pinecone.

Love bug, I want you to leave us. I don’t mean now, but when you are ready. By this, I mean that I want you to do everything in this world. Experience it all! Good and bad. I want you to fall in love and travel. To find your passions and friends that lift you up with such unconditional love, that you call them family.  Most importantly, I want you to find yourself.  It won’t always be an easy road, baby, but it’s your adventure, and I will always be here for you. 

I want you to always come back to visit, but not to feel guilty for leaving and writing your own chapter. I love you to the end of this earth, and I know you would do anything for our family; however, Wyatt is not your responsibility. I will do everything in my power to never put that on you. He could very well, live with your dad and I forever. He will be happy, he almost always is, and we will give him everything he wants, needs and more. Just know that in your heart, and it will bring you peace. I think you know by now, that even if Wyatt can’t verbally tell you that he loves you, he shows you his love every day, in his own way. When he says, “want brother” if you aren’t around, when he says your name every morning when he wakes, ”Want Everett”.  When he tries to wipe your face, stained with tears and says, “it’s okay, Wyatt” (he often mimics what we say to him) He treasures you and wants to be just like you in every way.  

This world sometimes meets us with hard choices. All we can do is our best to make the right decisions. This world can be cold and hard and dark and scary. This world is also amazing and inspiring. This world needs you to go out and give it your all. So shine all your positivity and light on the special, very lucky people in your life.

Someday I hope to help you understand more. I can’t wait until you are old enough to talk about it all. To tell me your hopes and dreams, worries and fears. I know you will continue to be strong and strong-willed, fiercely independent and outspoken. People like you make a big splash in the world, Everett.  Please never forget that my heart explodes every time I see you “try to make Wyatt laugh” and how you bring him his comfort items when he is stressed. Your kindness and understanding of Wyatt is well beyond your years. Know That I love you so much it actually hurts. That I could not have done this without you. You will always be the rainbow in my day. I love you a million billion hundred thousand, as you always say ;)

Love,

Mommy